With A Game of Thrones fever sweeping the nation, we present an exclusive preview of the latest instalment in the epic fantasy series, entitled A Shower of Bastards:
A ancient evil, long thought lost, has stirred in the vast expanse of the lands beyond the Wall. With dwindling numbers and resources, the gallant men of the Night’s Watch desperately hold the Wall against the evil that would destroy all. They call it, ‘creeping feminism’.
The internet is coming.
Elsewhere the Seven Kingdoms are in turmoil. The Mad King Delta sits on the Red Throne. A cruel and depraved man, he is accused of many heinous crimes and abuses against his subjects. Across the Narrow Sea the men and women of the Free Cities have stood aghast at the foul practices of the Mad King, and urge the people of Westeros to take up arms against their oppressive leadership and join them in their crusade for a better world.
The Mad King had grown bitter and paranoid in age. Many lords grumbled but most did nothing. A brave band of knights known as the Four dared to meet on the ancient holy site of Facebook to express their concerns. The Mad King cried treason, and had them burnt at the stake without trial. For some this was a step too far. The mighty Lord Seymour of Lenin’s Tomb and his companion the Ser China the Bard raised their banners in rebellion against the Mad King, and in defence of honour and the oppressed.
Other lords sort to compromise with evil. Those such as Ian of the Vale and Ser Pat of the Stack beseeched the warring lords to find peace, for the internet is coming. Evil may not be perfect they said, but the realm must be protected from those outside who seek to destroy it: the filth and treason of the sectarian blogs.. Is there nought to be said for peace, these men did ask?
The Mad King however was not alone. Some men and women had grown powerful through his reign, and desperately sought to defend it. These included his master of whisperers the wily Lord Weyman, known as the spider, and the slippery master of coin, Lord Charlie Littlekimber. Leading them however was the Hand of the King, The Lion of Acton, Lord Callinicos of Casterly Rock. The richest man in the realm, it was said he was so rich he even shits gold (and political diatribes).
The rebels fought long and hard against the Mad King and his allies, those ranks of tired old lords grown cynical and bitter through years of struggle. They hated the young rebels, with all their ideals and principles. Over time they had become suspicious of change, and feared the reality of the outside world.
The attack dogs of the realm were let loose onto the innocent and well-meaning. The rebels were accused of working with foreign elements to destabilise the realm. They were decried as reformists or liberal moralists. The Holy men and septons wheeled out the descendent of the great Father onto the field, and cited blasphemy against the Old Gods and the New.
Nevertheless the rebels courageously fought on, for they held the love and affection of lord and smallfolk alike. The In Defence of Our Realm faction despaired at such fighting, and refused to fight on the side of justice.To the paranoid Mad King they were traitors all the same, however the veteran Lord Callinicos knew better. To smash the rebels they needed the swords of these wavering lords.
To this end a great tourney was called in the capital of Cliff’s Landing. The shrewd Lord Littlekimber knew however to allow fair contest would be folly. With justice on their side, the rebel lords could very well sway wavering lords through preaching the Old Way: that of honour and fighting for a better world, the ideals these lords purported to uphold. To this end the lists were filled all manner of sycophant and bureaucrat petty lords and old hedge knights, all assembled in order to smash the credibility of the rebel lords once and for all.
The Mad King’s Tourney saw a tragic defeat for brave Lord Seymour, wise Ser China and all their courageous fellowship. Realising that the realm could not be saved, they sailed a mass exodus across the Narrow Sea, to find refuge with those who still upheld the Old Way: the values of liberation and freedom for the oppressed. In the end the old order could not be saved, and a new one must be built.
If you play the Game of Trots: you win, or you die.